What’s the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?

These days, it feels like anyone with even a mild inclination for something is tossing around the terms “kink” and “fetish” casually.

“I think I have a tall boy fetish,” someone might joke after dating two tall guys in a row.

“I definitely have an ice cream kink,” another person might say after eating dessert repeatedly.

As these words enter everyday conversation, their meanings can get fuzzier.

So we created this primer on kinks and fetishes. Below, you’ll find a breakdown of what typically counts as a kink versus what’s usually called a fetish — plus practical advice for exploring any inclinations you might have.

What exactly is a kink?

A kink is any sexual interest that sits outside what a given culture or social group considers “typical” and that is sexually exciting.

Because what counts as kinky depends on what your community labels as normal, it’s influenced by factors such as:

• era and cultural moment
• your friend group
• exposure through media
• your sexual past and that of your partner(s)

For instance, someone who primarily listens to country music (which may not reference anal sex much) could view enjoying anal as an anal kink. Conversely, someone immersed in music that normalizes anal might simply call it a preference.

That means when someone tells you they’re “kinky,” you’ll need to ask what they mean to understand it — though, of course, you shouldn’t pry into personal matters with just anyone.

“The most common kinks are probably dominance and submission, bondage, and sadomasochism (that’s what the letters in BDSM stand for),” says sex-hacker and educator Kenneth Play, founder of Hacienda Villa, an international sex-positive collective.

Other frequent kinks include:

• virtual sex
• orgasm control
• age play
• role play
• bodily fluids

What exactly is a fetish?

There are several established definitions of fetish, according to Carol Queen, PhD, a sexologist with toy company Good Vibrations.

One commonly referenced definition describes a fetish as something that:

1. lies outside cultural norms for sexual behavior
2. is arousing
3. must be present for the person to attain sexual pleasure

In short, this definition frames a fetish as a sexual need, whereas a kink is more of a sexual preference.

“Today, fewer sex educators insist fetishes must always be part of sex,” Queen says. “A more modern view sees fetishes as erotic amplifiers.”

For example, someone with a redhead fetish might be able to enjoy sex with a non-redhead, but red hair intensifies erotic response more than when it’s absent, she explains.

Common fetishes include:

• feet
• latex
• nylon
• high heels
• balloons
• uniforms
• suits
• leather
• piercings

How can you really tell the difference?

The distinction can be tricky because there’s overlap.

Sometimes people draw the line between a need (fetish) and a preference (kink), says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, a large BIPOC-owned intimacy shop.

“If wearing high heels during sex turns you on, that’s a high heel kink,” she explains. “If you require high heels to be present to become aroused, that’s a high heel fetish.”

Another way to separate them is: kinks often involve being especially excited by an act, setting, or dynamic, whereas fetishes typically involve arousal tied to a specific object, material, or nongenital body part.

Questions that can help you determine whether something is a kink or a fetish:

• Am I aroused by a thing or by an action?
• Do I need it to be there to feel aroused?
• Can I enjoy solo sexual activity without it?

Is it OK if you resonate with both?

Yes. You can have both kinks and fetishes, or multiple of each. Some interests may feel like a kink on some days and like a fetish on others.

As Queen notes, “They aren’t fundamentally that different.”

“Exploring either means embracing erotic curiosity, being honest about what matters to you, confronting any shame about being different, and being clear with partners about these elements in your sexual life,” she says.

What if you’ve never explored this before? How do you start?

“For some people, their attractions are obvious,” Play says. “If, as a teen, you always found yourself staring at people’s feet in sandals and feeling sexual arousal, you’d likely realize you’re into feet.”

For others, kinks and fetishes emerge through exposure — via porn, films, or a new partner who introduces new experiences. Trying new things can reveal a lot about your likes and dislikes.

If you want to learn more about your kinks and fetishes, these steps can help.

Take an online BDSM quiz

“A free assessment called the BDSM Test can help you identify which kinks might interest you,” Sparks says. “It’s a useful starting point.”

Make a ‘Yes-No-Maybe’ list

Sorting various acts, setups, positions, and items into yes, no, and maybe columns can clarify what stimulates you.

There are many Yes-No-Maybe templates online. For kink and fetish discovery, one that includes a bank at the bottom — like the one from Bex Talks — is especially handy.

Sparks recommends revisiting and redoing the list every few years.

“People and tastes change,” she says. “What excited you in your 20s may no longer feel the same. As you learn more about your body and desires, curiosity leads you to different things.”

Explore online kink and fetish communities

The internet offers a wide range of resources — from videos to written erotica, forums to chat groups — to learn about kinks and fetishes.

Sparks’ advice: check out many corners of the web.

“Watching kink-specific porn, like Royal Fetish Films, lets you see kinks enacted,” she says. “Sites like FetLife provide social networking for people into kink and fetish communities, where you can read experiences and even ask moderators questions.”

These platforms let you learn from others who are exploring, experienced, or mentoring.

Consider your own boundaries

Reflecting on comfort and discomfort helps pinpoint what you want to explore, Sparks says.

For instance, you might be interested in wax play but not want it used on certain areas.

“Knowing your boundaries helps you identify what you’re curious about and what you want to avoid,” she says.

Questions to consider:

• Which body parts am I comfortable receiving pleasure from, and in what situations?
• What am I curious to try solo versus with a partner?
• What conditions make me feel safe enough to explore my sexuality?

Educate yourself!

What you need to learn depends on the specific kink or fetish you want to explore. But education is essential.

“Learning should come before experience, especially with intense power dynamics, pain, bondage, or any activity that could be risky,” Play advises. Education helps keep you and partners physically and emotionally safe.

He recommends consulting sexuality professionals — sex educators, therapists, sex hackers, or sex workers — and checking reputable resources such as:

• Sex Hacker Pro Course
• Kink Academy
• “Playing Well With Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
• “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• “Why Are People Into That?!” podcast

Are there any safety considerations to keep in mind?

Different sexual practices carry different levels of risk.

Some activities, like impact play, may pose higher physical risk than others.

Regardless, it’s crucial to:

1. Learn about potential hazards so you can mitigate them.
2. Be deliberate about who you explore with.

Queen notes that sex workers can be especially knowledgeable and are often a safe option for first-time exploration.

“Professionals often have extensive experience with many kinks and are easier to negotiate with, making it feel like a lab environment for learning,” she says.

If you choose a partner, pick someone you trust to communicate well — and who reciprocates that trust.

“Before diving into sexual play, observe how comfortable they are discussing sex, how easy they are to talk to, and whether they judge others’ sexual choices to see if they’re a good match,” Queen advises.

It’s also wise to select a partner who notices nonverbal cues and is willing to research and prepare with you.

What’s the bottom line?

Ultimately, whether your sexual interests are labeled kinky, fetishistic, or neither isn’t the most important thing. What matters is exploring what brings you pleasure in a way that feels safe, liberating, and joyful.