Asperger’s in Adulthood: Building Healthy Relationships

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a multifaceted neurodevelopmental condition that can influence many areas of a person’s life, including cognition, learning, and behavior. Individuals on the spectrum frequently face challenges with social interaction and communication, which can complicate forming and sustaining relationships in adulthood.

People with autism can and do enjoy fulfilling, healthy romantic partnerships — with both neurotypical and neurodivergent companions — though there may be distinctive obstacles to navigate.

Read on to understand how ASD can shape relationships and learn practical ways to address these concerns in your own life.

Is Asperger’s autism?

Asperger’s syndrome used to be considered a separate diagnosis, though part of the broader set of neurodevelopmental conditions related to autism.

In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association removed Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5), folding it into the single category of “autism spectrum disorder (ASD).”

Asperger’s was reclassified alongside other conditions under ASD.

ASD is relatively uncommon; experts estimate roughly 1% of the general population is autistic. However, the real prevalence may be higher because many autistic people have not received a formal diagnosis, particularly women and older adults.

Older adults on the spectrum may have never been screened when they were younger despite showing traits. And autistic girls can display subtler or atypical signs.

Diagnosis rates favor males over females at about a 3-to-1 ratio. ASD is also more frequently identified in non-Hispanic white children than in children from other racial and ethnic groups.

Signs of Asperger’s in adults

People with what was formerly called Asperger’s often need less support than some others on the autism spectrum.

For example, some autistic people have more pronounced difficulties with social interaction and communication and more intense repetitive or restricted behaviors.

Those with Asperger’s may experience similar traits but generally to a milder extent.

ASD leads to a wide array of signs and symptoms. Typical indicators of Asperger’s in adults include:

• formal or pedantic speech patterns
• vocabulary that is average to above average
• intelligence in the average to above-average range
• a deep, focused interest in a single subject
• ability to speak at length about that interest, often in a one-sided manner
• rigid routines or rituals
• difficulties adapting to changes in routine
• need for extended alone time
• unusual speech or language characteristics
• trouble engaging socially with peers
• disinterest in socializing due to challenges with small talk
• difficulties with nonverbal communication
• clumsiness or uncoordinated movements
• sensory sensitivities to light, smell, or touch

Many autistic adults maintain steady employment and live independently with little support. They can also form deep personal bonds that lead to marriage and family life.

Asperger’s in adult relationships

Autistic individuals can absolutely have close relationships, both platonic and romantic. However, ASD may introduce particular hurdles for partners and friends.

People with autism may experience social and communication differences across the spectrum of relationships — from casual acquaintances to intimate partners. Because of fewer social opportunities or practice, they may have less experience building close connections.

Each relational stage might thus present new challenges, but that doesn’t preclude success.

Below are common ways ASD can influence relationships.

Communication

Autistic individuals may experience several kinds of communication differences. They might find it hard to infer what others are thinking or to grasp implied meanings. Nonverbal cues like facial expressions and vocal tone can be difficult to interpret.

Expressing oneself verbally can pose challenges too. An autistic person may unintentionally say something hurtful and struggle to understand why the other person was upset.

Communication difficulties often run both ways. A 2018 study found autistic people reported trouble understanding their loved ones’ thoughts — and family and friends also reported challenges understanding the autistic individual’s thoughts.

Combined, these factors can create misunderstandings and leave both partners feeling disconnected. That can hinder the growth of intimacy and make building empathy and trust more difficult.

Interests

Autistic people frequently develop highly focused interests. These pursuits can provide comfort or a coping mechanism for stress at work, school, or home. Partners may interpret this as avoidance, and it can be hard to navigate.

It can also be challenging for friends and partners to appreciate or relate to the intensity of a loved one’s focused interest.

Affection

Understanding and reciprocating typical displays of affection can be difficult for some autistic adults. Gestures of love may feel confusing or overwhelming, and initiating them might not come naturally.

Some autistic people identify as asexual or aromantic and prefer partners with matching orientations; others have sensory avoidances that make physical affection uncomfortable. Touch sensitivity can render hugs or kisses unpleasant, and unsolicited affection may provoke distress or anger.

Conversely, some autistic individuals may express affection intensely, which can feel overwhelming to partners who don’t understand the reason behind it.

Couples can work toward compromises that meet both partners’ needs for connection and comfort.

On dating platforms, some autistic people disclose being asexual or aromantic in their profiles to clearly communicate their preferences to potential partners.

Sexual activity

Interest in sexual activity among autistic people spans a broad range, much like the general population.

Some autistic adults have sensory issues that make sexual touch uncomfortable. Others may not experience the emotional motivations for sex that some people place at the center of romantic relationships, making it harder to read a partner’s desires.

Other autistic individuals report higher-than-average sexual desire. Research into “high-functioning” autistic people found autistic males spent more time masturbating and fantasizing than nonautistic males, and the study observed greater interest in behaviors like voyeurism, masochism, and sadism among participants with autism.

Research also indicates autistic people often have less formal sexual education and are likelier to learn about sex from non-social sources such as pornography. Autistic people of all genders are at an increased risk of sexual victimization, including coercion.

Social life

Forming personal relationships of any kind can be difficult for autistic people. Small talk is often unappealing and can provoke anxiety, making it harder to meet friends or begin romantic relationships.

Many autistic individuals prefer solitude to socializing, which in turn can limit opportunities to practice social and communication skills.

Parenting

Autistic parents can form loving, meaningful relationships with their children. They may engage creatively and encourage exploration of interests.

Some autistic parents may find certain parenting tasks, like discipline or expressive empathy, more challenging.

Other autistic parents might struggle with the emotional side of parenting, finding physical comfort gestures like hugging difficult and having trouble soothing a distressed child.

Managing Asperger’s and relationship problems

Autistic people can absolutely have healthy, satisfying relationships.

All relationships require effort and attention; relationships that cross the neurodiverse-neurotypical divide, or that exist between two neurodivergent partners, are no different.

Consider these approaches for addressing challenges in neurodiverse relationships:

• Be intentional: Neurotypical communication often relies on a variety of cues — verbal, written, emotional, and nonverbal. Autistic people may not use or interpret all of these reliably. Both partners should strive to be direct and explicit in their communication. Avoid hints or vague suggestions.
• Set clear rules: This is particularly helpful in parenting, where presenting a united front is important. Discuss each partner’s strengths and areas for growth, and divide responsibilities accordingly. For instance, the nonautistic partner might handle discipline if that plays to their strengths.
• Consider therapy: Individual therapy can benefit both partners, and couples therapy may offer tools for better communication and coping. Therapy is not an instant solution, but it provides a structured space to learn skills and resolve recurring conflicts.

Tips for nonautistic partners

It can be hard for autistic people to meet the expectations of a nonautistic partner — and vice versa. Both partners often need guidance and strategies to thrive together.

Here are suggestions for nonautistic partners:

• Learn about ASD: Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference that affects how a person perceives and interacts with the world. Understanding ASD’s impact on thoughts and behavior will help you better navigate daily life together and foster patience and empathy. Also consider related topics like aspergers and narcissism when relevant to deepen your understanding of personality and relational dynamics.
• Delegate tasks: Autistic partners may struggle with executive functions such as planning and organizing, leaving many household or logistical tasks to the nonautistic partner. Still, autistic partners can take responsibility for other areas, like helping with kids’ homework or walking pets.
• Seek support: Whether your relationship is new or long-term, consult professionals experienced with neurodiverse couples and connect with peer support groups online or locally to share resources and strategies.
• Find outside fulfillment: Maintaining personal interests and social connections outside the relationship is healthy. Pursue friends, hobbies, classes, or self-care that replenish you.
• Remember the positives: You likely fell in love with specific qualities in your partner. Reminding yourself of what you value about them and your life together can help sustain commitment and emotional resilience.

Takeaway

Autistic people can and do form healthy, rewarding relationships — both friendships and romantic partnerships.

Like any relationship, those involving autistic partners bring challenges. Communication is often the central area requiring time, patience, and deliberate effort.

Other issues can arise around intimacy, socializing, and parenting, creating a unique set of hurdles. Nevertheless, with understanding, compromise, and attention, many of these obstacles can be managed and overcome.