Key takeaways
- Maintaining a healthy partnership with someone who has bipolar disorder is achievable, but it demands recognizing and addressing specific markers of an unhealthy dynamic, such as feeling like the constant caregiver, experiencing exhaustion, or putting your own needs aside.
- Before ending things, consider approaches like learning about bipolar disorder, encouraging ongoing treatment and medication adherence, and promoting stable habits such as regular sleep, limited substance use, and routine mood monitoring.
- If you do choose to end the relationship, prioritize safety, pick a stable moment (avoid manic phases), arrange support for your partner, and be prepared for their reaction while also tending to your own recovery and lessons learned.
People diagnosed with bipolar disorder go through profound mood swings that can lead to manic or depressive episodes. Without appropriate care, these mood fluctuations can make managing school, work, and intimate relationships more challenging.
For a partner who hasn’t been close to someone with bipolar disorder, some of these struggles may be hard to grasp.
Still, bipolar disorder doesn’t have to define your partner.
“Mental illness doesn’t imply a perpetual state of incapacity, but rather there can be periods of more intense difficulty,” said Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell Medical College.
“Even if someone goes through a harder stretch, the objective is to bring them back to a stable place and help them sustain that,” she added.
The condition can also have positive sides. People with bipolar disorder may show “heightened creativity, sometimes elevated energy, which allows them to be inventive and insightful,” Saltz noted. She mentioned that many executives with bipolar disorder share these strengths.
Although there’s no cure, treatment can successfully control symptoms and foster stability. That stability can make it easier to maintain relationships and support lasting, healthy connections.
However, a relationship can become unhealthy even when one partner’s bipolar symptoms are under control. Some circumstances may still make being in the relationship difficult.
Below are considerations if you’re contemplating ending a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Signs the relationship may be unhealthy
It’s entirely possible to have a stable, satisfying relationship with someone living with bipolar disorder. Nonetheless, certain warning signs suggest it’s worth reevaluating the partnership.
Saltz pointed out several indicators that might suggest an unhealthy dynamic, especially with a partner who has bipolar disorder:
- feeling like you’re always the caregiver in the relationship
- experiencing chronic burnout
- sacrificing your own goals, values, or needs to stay in the relationship
- feeling unsafe or fearful within the relationship
- constant anxiety or stress tied to the relationship
- persistent guilt and fear about ending the relationship
If your partner stops attending treatment or quits medication, that could be a warning sign for the relationship’s future. As with any partnership, you should never feel that either you or your partner is in danger.
Unhealthy signs can come from either side. A person with bipolar disorder might notice red flags in their partner, too.
“A partner who stigmatizes or is highly negative about mental health—unfortunately not rare—can be a very difficult person to be with,” Saltz said.
“They might be dismissive or belittling, saying things like ‘You don’t really have bipolar disorder,’ which can undermine care,” she added. For someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, that may mean it’s time to reassess the relationship.
Constructive steps to try before breaking up
There are several approaches you can take to try to preserve the relationship.
First, remember why you entered the relationship. “You probably chose this person because there are many qualities you like and love about them,” Saltz said.
She recommends learning more about bipolar disorder to better understand the condition. It’s also useful to recognize early signs of depression or hypomania so you can encourage your partner to consult their healthcare provider if needed.
Saltz also suggests supporting your partner in continuing treatment and taking any prescribed medication.
“Sometimes, when people have been stable for a period, they think, ‘Maybe I don’t need this anymore.’ That’s generally a poor choice,” she said.
Dr. Alex Dimitriu, founder of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine, recommended offering “gentle, nonjudgmental oversight and guidance” and promoting healthy routines.
Healthy habits for people with bipolar disorder include:
- getting adequate, regular sleep
- minimizing the use of substances like drugs and alcohol
- keeping physically active
- doing simple daily mood tracking
- practicing self-awareness
- taking meds as prescribed
He also advised that your partner select three trusted people (you might be one) to check in with if they’re feeling off.
“Let those people provide an average perspective, and say, ‘Hey, you seem a bit agitated or a bit low,’ or whatever their observations may be,” he said.
Guidance for ending the relationship
Immediately reevaluate any relationship that has become threatening, and prioritize your safety.
If unhealthy patterns persist or escalate, it might be time to consider ending the partnership.
When to end things
Dimitriu advised against breaking up while your partner is in a manic phase.
“Often, there isn’t anything you can say that will convince someone who’s in a full manic state,” he explained.
“The main thing is to delay the breakup if that’s occurring and allow for a cooling-off period,” he added.
Afterwards, “Don’t make major decisions unless your three trusted people agree you’re in an even place. That includes choices about the relationship.”
Consider arranging support
If you do end the relationship, Saltz recommended ensuring your partner has emotional backing, and if possible, helping connect them with a mental health professional.
If you have their therapist’s contact, you can leave a message, though keep in mind their therapist might be limited in what they can discuss with you because of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA).
“You can leave a note with their clinician saying, ‘We’re breaking up; I know this will be hard, and I want to make you aware of that,’” she said.
She also emphasized watching for any signs of suicidal ideation. A 2014 review found that roughly 25–50% of people with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once.
“If anyone threatens suicide, that’s an emergency. Remove any means available to them and take them to an emergency room,” she said.
“That remains a concern even if you’re breaking up with them,” she added.
Be compassionate
You can try to be supportive during the breakup. Still, Dr. David Reiss, a psychiatrist practicing in Southern and Central California, noted that some individuals may not respond well because they feel rejected.
“They may not be able to ‘work through’ a breakup in a mature way, and genuine closure might not be possible,” he said.
“Be kind, but avoid being overbearing, and understand that once you’re ending things, your kindness may not be accepted anymore—and that’s okay,” Reiss said.
“Don’t interpret their reaction as a personal attack,” he added. “Recognize that their ability to keep a civil or polite relationship after perceived rejection may be limited and outside your control.”
“Attempt to be compassionate, but be prepared for that compassion to be turned away without taking it personally,” he advised.
Recovering and caring for yourself after a breakup
Any breakup is likely to be painful, particularly after a long-term commitment. Reiss said that feelings of guilt are common in these situations.
“If you allow guilt to build because you didn’t meet the other person’s implicit expectations, that guilt can trigger anger, depression, and more distress in both you and the other person, worsening things,” Reiss explained.
“Work through your guilt as much as you can before, during, and after the breakup,” he added.
Healing will take time. Saltz suggested reflecting on what you learned from the relationship. “It’s helpful to review why you chose this person and what drew you to them,” she said.
“Does that, in hindsight, feel good to you, or does it reflect a pattern that wasn’t healthy? Try to take away lessons from a relationship that didn’t last and gain insight about yourself,” she recommended.
The takeaway
You can definitely have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a partner who has bipolar disorder.
The condition can add both strengths and challenges to a partnership, but you can take steps to support your partner and help them manage symptoms.
If you spot persistent unhealthy signs in the relationship that don’t improve, ending the relationship might be appropriate. You can try to be supportive while doing so, but don’t take it personally if your support isn’t accepted.
As with any breakup, focus on learning from the experience as you move forward.
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