Imagine this: you’re asleep fantasizing about McSteamy… and you feel a pleasant shiver between your legs… and then another… and then another…
As you, ahem, come to, it’s not a sleepgasm — it’s your partner rousing you with oral sex.
Sounds exhilarating, right? It can be. But without clear communication and explicit consent, it can amount to sexual assault.
“Waking someone up with sex is sexual assault if you haven’t pre-established that this is OK,” says Kai Werder, a trauma-informed certified sex educator and author of the forthcoming book “Beyond Yes and No: The Intimacy of Consent.”
Here’s what to know about how wake-up sex can be consensual in some situations and assault in others.
If this just happened to you
If you recently awoke to sexual activity you didn’t agree to, you experienced sexual assault.
Know that whatever you’re feeling is valid — whether that’s confused, furious, irritated, thrilled, or a mix of emotions.
Ultimately, your next steps will depend on how you’re feeling right now and the conditions under which the wake-up sex occurred.
For instance, being roused by sex from a long-term partner you love and trust may feel very different than being woken by someone else.
In the former case, assuming you feel safe, Mary-Margaret Sweeney, LSW, an Indiana-based sex therapist and founder of Seek and Summon, suggests discussing it with your partner.
You might say: “I really liked being woken up by sex with you this morning. But I know it’s not something I’d always want. Could we make wake-up sex something we only do when we talk about it before bed?”
If it’s the latter and you don’t feel safe, try to remove yourself from that person as quickly as possible.
You might:
- Call local emergency services if you’re in immediate danger.
- Reach out to a local or national resource center for guidance or shelter.
- Get medical care for any physical injuries.
- Undergo a sexual assault examination (a “rape kit”) to preserve possible DNA evidence.
- Seek mental health support.
- Contact someone you trust for help.
If your partner says you did this to them
You may feel defensive, but it’s healthiest to respond with compassion.
Ask your partner what they need from you right now to feel safe, listened to, and cared for.
Later on, take time to learn:
- why you (mistakenly) thought waking your partner without consent was acceptable
- why waking a sleeping partner without consent is not acceptable
- what consent actually entails
Consent 101
To understand why wake-up sex is consensual in some cases but assault in others, here’s a brief primer on consent.
“Consent is an informed, specific, and ongoing negotiation of enthusiastic desire,” says Werder. “It can be withdrawn at any time and happens in the absence of pressure or coercion.” Consent can’t be implied or assumed.
Consent to previous sex ≠ consent to this exact encounter
“Someone who is asleep can’t actively consent to any sexual activity,” Werder explains. And consent is always required.
“It doesn’t matter if you were having sex hours earlier before you fell asleep or if morning sex is a regular thing,” they say.
“If you haven’t explicitly talked about and agreed to this, waking someone up with sex is sexual assault.”
Informed consent vs. assault
If you want wake-up sex to be consensual, “there definitely need to be conversations beforehand about what the interaction will involve, when it may happen, and why,” Werder says.
More on those conversations below.
Why people enjoy it
People are into wake-up sex for lots of reasons, including:
The time of day
Unless you’re a champion napper, wake-up sex tends to happen in the morning.
“Morning sex is appealing because it helps ensure you’re getting the sexual satisfaction you want,” Sweeney says.
If you wait until night, stress from work, energetic kids, and evening news can dampen libido.
It feels spontaneous despite planning
Many couples who want more sex are advised to schedule it.
While that’s good advice, scheduled sex lacks spontaneity.
Pre-arranged wake-up sex can combine structure with surprise.
“Wake-up sex, even when agreed upon beforehand, can recreate the spontaneous feeling you likely had early in your relationship,” Sweeney explains.
Certain medications have fewer side effects in the morning
By now you’ve likely heard that medications — allergy meds, anti-anxiety drugs, antidepressants — can dampen libido.
Sweeney notes, “If you take a medication that impacts desire in the morning, its level is often lowest right when you wake up.”
So those sexual side effects may be least noticeable in the morning before your next dose — and wake-up sex typically happens then.
It’s something different
“Couples who’ve been together a long time often fall into sexual routines where sex looks and feels the same,” Sweeney says.
When that happens, trying something new can be especially pleasurable.
Wake-up sex can provide that novelty.
It can fulfill a fantasy
For some people, being woken by sex taps into fantasies of consensual nonconsent, Sweeney says.
“It can let people explore being a plaything for their partner,” she explains.
If you want to try it with a partner
One word: communicate.
How to bring it up
“This conversation should happen outside the bedroom,” Sweeney advises. So pick a neutral moment like a car ride or a walk.
“Introduce the idea and give as much context as you can,” she says. Explain why the idea interests you.
Examples might be:
- “The Domme/sub dynamic we play with is really hot to me. Would you be into waking me up with sex one weekend? I think it could be a fun way to lean into those power dynamics.”
- “I read an article about wake-up sex and realized it could be a way for us to explore the consensual nonconsent fantasy I’ve mentioned. Can I send you the article so we can talk about it?”
- “We already do most of our sex in the morning. How would you feel about me waking you up with sex or you waking me up?”
Werder also suggests another icebreaker: watch porn together.
“Pick a scene that features someone being woken up by sex,” they recommend. “After watching, you can ease into the topic by asking, ‘What did you think of that?’ or ‘Would you ever want to wake me up with sex?’”
How to set boundaries and expectations
Trying wake-up sex isn’t as simple as asking “yay or nay?”
Before attempting it, you should answer these questions:
- When is wake-up sex acceptable? Daily? Occasionally? Just once?
- The night before, what kind of communication (if any) will confirm it will happen?
- Which specific sexual acts are allowed? What power dynamics are ok, if any?
- What sex toys or aids may be used during the initial wake-up?
- How will the partner being awakened indicate if they actually don’t want to engage when they wake up?
- What verbal and nonverbal safety signals will you use?
What to actually do
Wake-up sex involves an “awake” partner rousing a “not yet awake” partner with sexual contact.
Practically, that means:
- The partner initiating the wake-up is awake first (often by setting an alarm).
- The partner being woken is asleep.
Those are the primary requirements.
Explore a range of touch
Sweeney reminds people that sex is far more than just penetration.
Instead of jumping straight from sleep to penetration, she suggests the waking partner start with things like:
- kissing the neck
- worshipping the chest
- licking the belly
- teasing the thighs
- gentle, nonpenetrative grinding
“This gives the person being woken time to come around, recognize what’s happening, and either consent into the encounter or opt out,” she says.
Aftercare
In BDSM, aftercare is the time after sex when participants check in and tend to each other’s physical, emotional, and mental needs.
Here’s the thing: aftercare shouldn’t be limited to BDSM practitioners. Everyone along the kinky-to-vanilla spectrum should practice it.
“When you’re finished, ask how it felt, what you liked and didn’t like, and whether you want it to happen again,” Sweeney advises.
If you try it and like it, discuss blanket consent
If you and your partner(s) enjoy wake-up sex, Werder recommends discussing the idea of blanket consent.
“Giving blanket consent means offering your partner permission to do this at any time,” they say. “This option can be particularly arousing for people who enjoy power dynamics.”
Remember: consent can be revoked at any time. If the partner being woken isn’t in the mood one morning, their ‘no’ must be respected.
If you try it and one or both of you dislike it
Simple: don’t do it again.
No matter your original motivation, there are other ways to meet that desire.
There are many alternatives for exploring consensual nonconsent, such as kidnapper roleplay.
And countless other ways to spice things up — from trying nipple clamps to hiring a webcam model.
Sweeney also suggests acknowledging yourself for having tried something new.
“Not liking it doesn’t mean you failed,” she says.
After all, you discussed it, communicated repeatedly about it, and trusted each other enough to give it a shot.
The bottom line
No matter the play or the hour, consent is mandatory. Because a sleeping person can’t give consent, waking someone up with sex is sexual assault unless the partner has explicitly agreed ahead of time to be disturbed in this way.
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