1 in 5 of Your Friends Is Getting Kinky — Should You Be Too?

“Kink” means different things to different people and encompasses far more than just BDSM. When approached responsibly, kinky sex can also deliver real health perks.

Openly discussing the most private aspects of your sex life remains somewhat taboo. If you can’t comfortably talk about these things with close friends, bringing them up in the bedroom is unlikely to feel any easier.

Without mainstream erotica and softcore depictions (looking at you, “Fifty Shades of Grey”), many people might not have been introduced to pushing boundaries in the bedroom. And without anonymous surveys, we wouldn’t have a clear picture of how many Americans have experimented with — and enjoyed — spanking or restraint play.

The reality is that some of your acquaintances have probably tried kinky play — and roughly one in five include it in their routine sexual activities. According to the , over 22 percent of sexually active adults participate in role-playing, while more than 20 percent have tried being tied up or spanking.

Even more striking: another survey discovered that almost half of the 1,040 respondents were curious about kink, despite not having had the chance to try it. Research is increasingly suggesting that sexual experimentation can benefit both health and relationships.

So what exactly falls under the label “kink”?

Although “kink” doesn’t have a formal medical definition, it generally refers to sexual behaviors that deviate from conventional acts — those typical behaviors being affectionate touch, talking intimately, kissing, vaginal intercourse, masturbation, and oral sex. “Kink” denotes anything that strays from the conventional, and several common categories typically fit beneath the kinky umbrella:

• BDSM. When people hear “kink,” BDSM often comes to mind. The acronym stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. BDSM spans a broad spectrum of activities, from light paddling and D/s role-play to bondage gatherings and sensation-focused pain play.
• Fantasy and role-play. A very common form of kink involves inventing scenarios. That could be as simple as sharing a fantasy in bed or as elaborate as donning costumes or staging scenes for others.
• Fetishes.About one in four men and women express interest in fetish play, defined as sexualizing a nonsexual object or body part. Typical fetishes include feet and footwear, leather or rubber, and yes, diaper play.
• Voyeurism and exhibitionism. Watching someone undress or observing a sexual encounter without consent can be voyeuristic fantasies, while having sex in public is a form of exhibitionism. These interests are fairly common; around 35 percent of adults surveyed showed interest in voyeuristic scenarios.
• Group sex. Threesomes, sex parties, orgies, and similar activities involve more than two participants. and 18 percent of men have taken part in group sex, with even more expressing curiosity about it.

Surprising benefits of kinky sex

Let’s look at what the science says: kink may improve mood and mental wellbeing. A found that both dominant and submissive BDSM participants tended to be:

• less neurotic
• more extroverted
• more open to new experiences
• more conscientious
• less sensitive to rejection

They also reported greater subjective wellbeing than control participants. This could indicate either that people with these traits are drawn to kink, or that engaging in kink helps people develop confidence — the latter is increasingly plausible as more research emerges.

For instance, discovered that couples who engaged in consensual, positive sadomasochistic activities had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol and experienced increased closeness and intimacy after play.

Additionally, a preliminary study of a small group of “switches” (people who alternate roles, like a dom who becomes a sub) suggested that consensual BDSM can reduce anxiety by inducing an altered “flow” state of consciousness — similar to a runner’s high, artistic immersion, or deep yoga practice.

Debunking myths and stereotypes about kink

Because kink remains largely unspoken, many myths and misconceptions persist. Here are a few common misunderstandings addressed.

Women are into kink, too

Although certain kink types may skew toward one sex — for example, foot fetishes tend to attract more men, while some women are more interested in incorporating pain into sex — interest in kink is reasonably balanced between men and women.

Trying BDSM doesn’t mean you’re “unstable”

Mainstream portrayals often link BDSM to abuse and violence. Some practitioners have endured persecution and discrimination because of their preferences. However, studies indicate that consenting kink participants generally demonstrate better-than-average psychological health.

You don’t need expensive gear

The stereotypical image of a leather-clad dominant wielding a matching whip may come to mind, but in practice you only need imagination and a willing partner.

If you’re into particular fetishes or want specialized toys, shops exist to supply them. Still, exploring kink isn’t nearly as gear-dependent as joining a recreational sports league. You don’t even require handcuffs or blindfolds — a simple scarf or pillowcase can serve as restraints or sensory blockers.

How to keep kinky play enjoyable and safe

While kinky sex has many advantages and can be tailored to you and your partner, there are important considerations to make sure your explorations remain positive, safe, and enjoyable.

Consent is the foundation

Informed consent isn’t only for meeting a new partner — it’s essential before any sexual activity, particularly when trying kink for the first time. Communication is key to healthy sexuality and is crucial when exploring dominance, submission, or pain-related activities.

Safe words matter

Your fantasy may involve restraint or simulated resistance — which many people, including many women, find arousing. To ensure you can withdraw consent unambiguously within the scene, agree on a safe word ahead of time. Common choices include red light (stop) and green light (carry on).

Discuss your hard limits

Everyone has boundaries. Being open to experimenting is great, but it’s just as important to be explicit about activities you never want to try. Talk about these “hard limits” with your partner—there’s no need to be coy.

Make sure any pain is safe and consensual

Kink often blends pain and pleasure. While many couples limit themselves to light spanking or slapping, those exploring more intense areas — such as breast or genital impact — should educate themselves to avoid lasting tissue or nerve damage.

Aftercare is essential

Even beyond kink, some people experience post-sex reactions like anxiety, irritability, or tearfulness. Providing aftercare — emotional closeness, reassurance, and conversation — is especially important after intense scenes or BDSM play.

So don’t simply fall asleep after a powerful session. Check in with your partner and confirm they’re emotionally and physically okay.

Bottom line: Kink looks the way you want it to

Kink can take many forms for different couples, and that’s perfectly fine. Exploring kink doesn’t require a leather suit or a whip — it might start with simply breaking your usual routine and seeing where a new experience leads.

The basic ingredients of successful kinky sex mirror those of a healthy long-term partnership:

• communication
• trust
• understanding
• patience

Now that you know there’s scientific support for some of the benefits, don’t let social stigma stand between you and pleasure. Embrace curiosity and play safely.