Sexual fantasies are a normal part of human experience. Whether you choose to keep them private, disclose them to a partner, or act them out in real life is your decision — just ensure everyone involved consents before taking action.
Many people feel embarrassed about their arousing thoughts, but “no matter what the fantasy is, it’s completely normal!” says certified sex therapist and educator Gigi Engle, author of “All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.”
“The more we discuss sexual fantasy and make that conversation ordinary, the less we’ll berate ourselves for having kinky, erotic, steamy thoughts,” she adds.
After surveying 4,175 people with 350 questions in a 2018 study, prominent sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, PhD, identified seven core fantasy themes.
The range of fantasies is vast, but you’ll likely recognize your own erotic imaginings among the categories below. If not — well, consider yourself especially inventive. Wink.
Multiple-partner scenarios
Were you riveted by that Game of Thrones scene (yes, the one with Theon Greyjoy and two stunning queens)? Does the idea of a group encounter make your hand wander?
You’re far from alone. Fantasies about group sex are the single most common sexual theme among Americans.
“In most people’s multi-partner scenarios, you’re the central character,” Engle explains. “The thought of several people wanting to have sex with you is part of the appeal.”
Threesomes, orgies, and similar situations also provide sensory intensification — more bodies, scents, tastes, and sounds than a two-person interaction or solo session.
How to approach it
Engle sorts fantasies into three buckets: those we keep private, those we share with partners to spice things up, and those we’d like to pursue in reality.
If this remains purely a fantasy, try not to overanalyze it.
If you’d like to tell a partner without necessarily doing it, ask permission to introduce the topic during sex or foreplay.
For instance, you might say, “I’ve been thinking it could be hot to describe a scene where another woman pleases you in bed. Would you be into that?”
If you genuinely want a real-life group experience, the good news is group sex is relatively accessible — you might not bed your favorite celebrity, but you can often find someone open to a threesome, notes educator Cassandra Corrado.
If you’re partnered, discuss whether the encounter should be a one-off or ongoing, whether you prefer a stranger or acquaintance, and set clear boundaries for the interaction.
Power dynamics, roughness, and control
Think Rihanna’s “S&M” — whips and restraints excite many people.
Sadomasochism (S&M) and BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission) are the second most reported fantasy category.
BDSM involves a consensual exchange of power within sexual or nonsexual play.
“The idea of being submissive can be arousing for people who are typically in charge outside the bedroom,” Engle notes. “Conversely, the concept of exerting control can be thrilling due to its taboo edge and sense of authority.”
Roleplay themes like parent/stepchild, professor/student, or boss/employee fit this group, as does consensual non-consent (the fantasy of “forced” sex).
S&M encompasses giving or receiving pain via spanking, whipping, humiliation, and other methods.
Corrado points out, “This type of play demands radical trust because it’s a vulnerable form of interaction. That vulnerability itself can be sexually arousing.”
How to approach it
BDSM spans light things like spanking and blindfolds to more extreme practices such as electroplay or needle play.
Begin by ensuring the activity follows a safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) framework: clarify exactly what the fantasy entails, then have a thorough conversation with partners.
“Whatever the scenario, there should be a clear plan for what will happen during that sexual scene,” says Daniel Sayant, founder of NSFW, which hosts sex-positive events and workshops.
“This reduces the chance of nonconsensual acts — even in control-oriented play,” he adds.
Tips for defining a BDSM scene:
- Agree on a safe word.
- Discuss the roles each person will play.
- Set boundaries.
- Proceed gradually.
- Check in frequently.
Novelty, exploration, and variety
Sex on a beach or a mountain, hooking up in an airplane lavatory, or trying a new toy — fantasies centered on novelty (introducing a new act) or adventure (sex in an unusual spot) are common.
“Facing the unknown and trying something for the first time can produce an adrenaline high, and for some people, arousal is linked to that adrenaline surge,” Corrado explains.
For long-term couples, maintaining novelty helps combat bedroom monotony and keeps the sexual connection alive, Engle says. “Trying new things can reignite the heat from the early days of a relationship.”
How to approach it
What’s novel for one person might be familiar to another, so the particulars will vary.
Whether you’re curious about anal play, non-standard positions, 69, or incorporating food, start by discussing the activity with your partner.
Try phrasing it like, “I love when you’re inside me — how would you feel about trying doggy style next time?” or “I adore how you look between my legs. Would you be open to tasting me next time we have sex?”
If you want to switch up location while keeping the same act, ask your partner if that’s something they’d enjoy.
Note: public sex is illegal in the U.S. and can lead to charges such as indecent exposure, lewd conduct, and public indecency.
Consensual non-monogamy
Open relationships, polyamory, and swinging are increasingly recognized as valid relationship structures — and they’re frequent fantasy material, even for people in monogamous relationships.
Most of these imaginations involve consensual non-monogamy, meaning one partner has given permission for the other’s outside sexual encounters.
Some fantasize about themselves being non-monogamous; others imagine a partner being with someone else.
Cuckolding specifically refers to fantasies where one partner has sex with another person while the fantasizer watches or is told about it later.
Under 0.5% of respondents indicated that cheating or infidelity was arousing to them.
How to approach it
First, determine whether you truly want this in real life, since changing a relationship structure is a substantive shift, Engle advises.
If you’re considering altering the setup, “begin by clarifying what that would mean to you,” Corrado suggests.
Some people want a single romantic partner but sexual exploration. Others seek multiple deep emotional relationships simultaneously.
Once you can name your desires, discuss them with your partners.
“Not everyone will be comfortable with altering their relationship, but if you decide to proceed together, transparent communication is essential,” she says.
If your fantasies involve cheating, Corrado recommends identifying the reason: Are you unhappy in the relationship? Chasing adrenaline? Dealing with another internal conflict?
Understanding your emotions around the fantasy can pinpoint unmet needs.
Then address the why: try couples counseling or end the relationship if that’s appropriate. Alternatively, seek adventurous but non-harmful outlets like skydiving to satisfy thrill-seeking impulses.
Or enact the fantasy — but know that nonconsensual non-monogamy breaches relationship agreements and could lead to guilt, heartbreak, or the end of partnerships if discovered.
Forbidden and taboo desires
“We often crave what’s off-limits — it’s how our brain operates,” Engle explains. “Any act that could get us in trouble or be seen as strange, forbidden, or gross in real life can be erotic.”
Common taboos include foot or armpit licking and fetishistic interest in materials like leather or lycra.
Voyeurism (watching sexual acts without the participants’ knowledge) and exhibitionism (performing sexually while others watch — sometimes without consent) are frequent examples.
How to approach it
Nonconsensual voyeurism and exhibitionism are illegal, because people being exposed or observed are not consenting participants. While these may be titillating to imagine, they should not be practiced.
Alternatives include placing a mirror near the bed to watch yourself, attending a consensual sex club or party, or roleplaying voyeur/exhibitionist scenarios with consenting partners.
Other taboo interests can be discussed with partners and, depending on mutual comfort, enacted consensually.
Romance and passion
Turns out, beach walks, candlelit dinners, and meaningful eye contact during sex aren’t just clichés — they reflect fantasies about feeling desired, intimate, and cherished.
“Many people want to be adored,” says Corrado. “Romantic gestures show time, effort, and sometimes money, and can make us feel important to someone.”
How to approach it
If you fantasize about romance, it could signal feeling underappreciated in everyday life.
In relationships, partners may need more quality time, to learn each other’s love languages, or to favor positions that allow prolonged eye contact.
If you’re single, Sayant suggests options like a group “massage chain” with friends, treating yourself to a nice meal, or enjoying candlelit masturbation.
Erotic flexibility
This category covers two main areas:
- Gender-bending fantasies: where you or a partner explore different gender roles or expressions
- Sexual fluidity fantasies: where actions or characters don’t align neatly with your stated sexual orientation
“Trying on different roles and personas can be playful, inventive, and liberating,” Corrado says. “It lets us access parts of ourselves we don’t usually express.”
Dr. Lehmiller notes that bending gender roles and orientation can add novelty and excitement while subverting cultural expectations about what you’re “supposed” to be or do.
As Corrado explains, “Being able to do things you wouldn’t normally do with a partner creates a sense of safety and vulnerability that can deepen connection.”
How to approach it
Sometimes these fantasies point to a wish to explore sexual or gender identity; often, though, they’re about feeling comfortable and playful with a partner.
Communication is key to discovering whether gender-bending or fluidity fantasies align with your partner’s preferences.
Why do we have sexual fantasies?
Besides offering clues about what you might enjoy in real life, sexual fantasies serve many functions.
Common reasons people fantasize, ranked from most to least frequent:
- to become aroused
- out of curiosity about different sexual sensations
- to address unmet needs
- to escape reality
- to explore a sexually taboo desire
- to plan a future sexual encounter
- to relax or lower anxiety
- to feel more sexually confident
- because of boredom
Across genders, there’s considerable overlap in fantasy content; the primary differences are how often certain fantasies occur.
For example, men report multi-partner and taboo fantasies more frequently, while women report BDSM and romance fantasies more often than other genders.
How to bring up your fantasies with a partner
Deciding to share depends on whether you want — and whether it’s legal and safe to — act on the fantasy in real life.
Survey data show that while 77% of Americans want to incorporate fantasies into their sex lives, fewer than 20% have actually talked about them with a partner.
If the activity is consensual, legal, and safe, and you’re ready to include partners, these steps can help:
- Discuss specifics beforehand, and keep communicating during and after.
- Agree on a safe word (for any scenario where it’s needed).
- Research safety practices and ways to maximize mutual enjoyment.
- Maintain safer-sex measures.
- Take things slowly; there’s no rush.
- Stay calm and communicative if things don’t go as planned.
When discussing specifics, resources about anatomy and safer oral sex can be useful — for example, guides on healthy sex oral sex with a condom or references that explain pleasurable anatomy like the healthy sex clitoris can help partners communicate needs and safety measures. For conversations about orgasm differences and expectation-setting, see materials on healthy sex male orgasm.
Final thoughts
Sexual fantasies are a normal part of human sexuality. Some are enjoyable only as private imaginings; others are things you might want to try in reality.
If you frequently fantasize about activities that are illegal and you want to explore those urges, consider consulting a sex therapist to understand and address them.
Otherwise, breathe, talk with your partners, and remember they probably have some fantasies of their own they’d like to explore too.
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