Usually, Forced Orgasms Are a Kinky BDSM Practice — but Not Always

What is a forced orgasm, exactly?

There are two very different ways to define it.

Most commonly, “forced orgasm” describes orgasms that are administered with consent to a willing participant, typically as part of a BDSM scene.

“In these situations, the person experiencing the orgasm is in a submissive role to a dominant partner,” explains Caitlin V., MPH, clinical sexologist for Royal, a vegan-friendly condom and lubricant brand. “Often they’re bound or restrained to keep them from escaping the stimulation.”

That said, the term “forced orgasm” is also sometimes applied to orgasms that happen during an assault.

What can consensual forced orgasms look like?

Ultimately, what forced orgasm play looks like depends on things like the receiver’s anatomy, sexual tastes, and thresholds for pleasure and pain.

The giver’s endurance, preferences, skills, and their own tolerance for pleasure and pain factor in as well.

Generally, people with vulvas have a shorter refractory period than those with a penis.

So for folks with vulvas, forced orgasm often means (with consent) bringing them to orgasm repeatedly without a recovery window between climaxes, says Carly S., a kink-aware sex educator and founder of Dildo or Dildon’t, a pleasure product review and sex education site.

“It might look like having the receiver restrained while their partner holds a high-powered vibrator against them, creating orgasm after orgasm,” Carly S. explains.

Other examples include:

• the more submissive partner asking permission to climax
• the dominant partner dictating when their partner is allowed to orgasm
• a role-play scenario with a doctor or authority figure ‘forcing’ a patient to orgasm during an exam or similar setup

People with penises typically have a longer refractory period, so forced orgasm play for them may take the form of orgasm denial or post-orgasm torment, says Carly S.

That sounds unpleasant… is it?

The aim of (consensual) forced orgasms is pleasurable experience. But that pleasure may not be constant throughout the entire scene.

“Usually, forced orgasms begin as pleasurable,” Carly S. says. “But as additional orgasms accumulate, the body can become so hypersensitive that the sensations shift from pleasurable to overstimulating or even painful.”

Still, orgasms trigger a surge of feel-good endorphins. When everything settles (and then repeats), the overall outcome is often experienced as pleasure, she notes.

How can you explore forced orgasms with a partner?

Good news: you don’t need elaborate bondage equipment or expensive vibrators to dabble in forced orgasm play!

Know your body

Getting to know your own body through masturbation, self-care, sensual touch, and mindful practice will make any partnered play — including forced orgasm scenes — more satisfying.

Know your partner’s body

Forced orgasm play is best suited to partners who already know each other’s bodies very, very well.

Don’t worry, new relationships — that just gives you a reason to explore together. For the sake of familiarity, of course. *Wink*

Talk about it!

Despite the name, forced orgasms aren’t something you impose on a partner without agreement.

They’re a shared activity you choose to try together beforehand for mutual pleasure.

Some ways to bring it up:

• “I read an article about forced orgasms and it sounds like something we might enjoy. Can I send you the link so we can talk about it?”
• “It turned me on when you said, ‘Come for me, baby girl’ last time. I’d love to explore that kind of forced orgasm more in bed. What do you think?”
• “I think it could be hot if you held a vibrator on my sweet spot until I kept coming and had to beg you to stop… would you be interested in trying that?”

Pick a safe word

“This is one scenario where selecting a safe word is really important,” says Caitlin V.

“If you’re role-playing, the character might want to shout ‘no’ or ‘stop’ even though you actually want the scene to continue,” Caitlin V. explains.

Choose a word that wouldn’t naturally occur in the scene. For example:

• pineapple
• avocado
• elephant
• giraffe

…you get the idea.

Figure out a pain scale

“Forced orgasms blend pleasure and pain in a direct way,” says Caitlin V. “Having a system to rate and communicate pain is key to keeping play safe and enjoyable for everyone.”

The classic 1-to-10 scale works well. For instance: “I’m at a 7 out of 10 on the pleasurable-pain scale, and I don’t want to go beyond an 8.”

The stoplight method is useful too: “Yellow light — I need a break before we continue.”

Get specific

Will you use restraints? A vibrator? Multiple vibrators?

Will you role-play during the scene?

Will you stop after a set number of orgasms, or when the receiver asks you to stop?

“There are countless contexts in which forced orgasm can happen,” says Carly S. “So for your first time, map out a script for the play so you’re both clear on what will happen.”

Consider incorporating different toys

The first time you try forced orgasms, you don’t have to introduce new toys. As Caitlin V. advises, “change one thing at a time.”

But on subsequent attempts, feel free to bring in that new pleasure product.

If you’re shopping for a vibrator, Carly S. suggests a wand-style model.

“The long handle on these toys makes them easier to hold, maneuver, and use,” Carly S. says.

And due to their larger motors, wand vibrators usually deliver the most powerful vibrations available.

Is there anything you need to do afterward?

Yes.

“The adrenaline surge someone can feel from being forced to orgasm is intense, and afterward they may go through what’s called sub-drop,” says Carly S.

What is sub-drop?

Sub-drop describes the state someone can enter after a play session when endorphin and adrenaline levels fall.

Symptoms can include:

• temporary feelings of sadness or depression
• emotional or physical exhaustion
• body aches
• sleepiness
• hunger or thirst

To help a partner manage sub-drop, Carly S. suggests practicing aftercare.

“Aftercare can mean drinking juice, cuddling, taking personal space, playing video games, ordering takeout, or any number of comforting actions,” she says. “Really, it’s anything that prioritizes your partner’s emotional, physical, and mental needs.”

What if you’ve experienced a non-consensual forced orgasm?

How you respond depends on what feels safest and right for you.

Jill McDevitt, resident sexologist for CalExotics, explains:

“You might scream and call the police. You might pretend you enjoyed it to get away from further harm. You might cry, feel disoriented, or go numb. You might not process it until hours, days, weeks, or even years later.”

All of those responses are normal and valid.

“There’s no right or wrong way to feel or react,” McDevitt says.

Should you reach out to a professional?

Different professionals can be helpful at various stages after the incident.

During or immediately after

Contact local emergency services if you’re in immediate danger or injured.

You can report the incident to authorities — what happened may be a crime.

You might consider going to a hospital and speaking with a doctor about a “rape kit.” These kits can help collect evidence, though the process can be difficult for some. You can learn more about the process here.

(Note: you can have a rape kit done without choosing to press charges.)

Another resource is the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673.

In the following days, weeks, or months

Reach out to friends, family, or trusted partners — you don’t need to handle this alone.

“If the experience has impacted your physical, emotional, or mental well-being, consider contacting a mental health professional,” Caitlin V. advises.

How can you support a friend or partner through this experience?

Knowing what to say and do for someone who’s been through this can be difficult. These suggestions can help.

Believe them

“Believe them, believe them, BELIEVE THEM,” McDevitt urges. “Validate that what happened was wrong, and that they didn’t do anything to deserve it.”

Remind them that orgasm is just a bodily reaction

“Reassure them that orgasm is a physiological response and does not imply consent or enjoyment,” McDevitt says.

Lay out their options

Explain the choices available and how you can help with each.

For example:

• “Do you want me to listen and offer advice, or just listen?”
• “I can help you report this to the authorities.”
• “I can help you find a professional to support you.”li>

Support their plan of action

Back whatever they choose to do — even if they choose to do nothing.

“Don’t tell them they ‘should’ report it, ‘should’ see a therapist, or ‘should’ move on,” McDevitt says.

“Sexual violence often aims to strip someone of power and agency,” she explains. “So look for every chance to support their autonomy, including their decisions about what to do after the assault.”

The bottom line

“Forced orgasm” can refer to consensual kink play in which a partner is brought to orgasm as part of a power exchange and to orgasms that happen in non-consensual contexts.

The consensual version is a kind of sexual play some partners may want to explore for mutual pleasure.

The non-consensual version is sexual assault and can be deeply confusing, disempowering, and traumatic for the person affected.